I am so excited. When something of this magnitude happens it really gets me amped up. As a stand-up comic you pray and pray for things like this to occur and once in a blue moon, God smiles down upon us. Oprah needs to lose weight again.

I know it is unwise and life-threatening to talk ill of one of the four horseman of the apocalypse, but I’ve lived a good life. For years I’ve wondered if Oprah was a shapeshifter. On monday she’d weigh in at 130 pounds but by friday she was up to 275 pounds. I often just shrugged it off and attributed it to amazing CGI technology and camera angles.

For years now Oprah has talked about her weight issues, saying it is difficult for her to lose weight and keep it off. Really Oprah? With your personal chefs who will cook you incredible meals that probably contain negative calories, to your personal trainers who pull you out of bed and plop you on a treadmill, is it really that hard?

I’m not sure how much Oprah is worth, though I’m sure its enough to buy the moon and have the word HARPO carved into it with a laser, but I am so sick of rich celebrities complaining about weight loss problems. Hey, I make less than 30k a year, cook my own meals and go to a gym that charges $10/month. If I can lose 10 pounds, you can!